Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
zippers are such a cool invention
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
