saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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