i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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