1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
