her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
