If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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