beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
