I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
