the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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