New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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