Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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