i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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