a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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