you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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