So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
