Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The air was thick with penises
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
