Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
