okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
