i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He is an equal opportunity slut.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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