in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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