i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
