worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
