There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
