remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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