omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
