At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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