The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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