FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
