I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
