Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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