I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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