I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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