I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
