Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
