Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
