I hate your face
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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