I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
