I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
