I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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