it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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