you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
