i just sent this text using only my big toe
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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