just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
