Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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