She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
