I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
