i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
