This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
