i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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