areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Randomize
