She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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