hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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