just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Two words: nipple clamps
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