Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
