hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
