I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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