Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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