So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize