Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
