I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
