i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
