I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
