if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
