Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
