I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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