This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
