Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
